Post by Mara on Sept 6, 2006 16:29:49 GMT 1
Titel: The Pain That Stays
Original Work
Ja, her kommer så endnu en historie, som jeg ved Bloody vil elske mig for at lægge ud her
Den er stadig ikke rettet igennem, for jeg er, desværre, ufatteligt doven, når det kommer til rettearbejde...
Luke stood at the window, glancing down at the world below him. In the other room he could hear a baby cry.
Not just a Baby, he corrected himself. My son.
It -was- in fact his son, Ben who was crying in the other room, but he couldn't pull himself together to go to him. To go to that other room to pick him up and cuddle him in his arms. He knew he should do that. He knew that was what he needed to do in order to bond with him. To establish that father son bond that would be so important in the years to come. He knew that if he kept letting Leia and Han take care of him, they would soon become strangers.
Leia had taken him the night before too. And the night before that too. Well, since Mara had… Actually, he couldn't even remember if he'd held him in his arms yet. No...he must have done that. He had to. Didn't he? Didn't he hold for a few seconds? Just a few?
Luke closed his eyes. He couldn't remember. He didn't want to remember. He wasn't even sure he wanted Ben anymore. Maybe he just wanted him to go away?
He slammed his fist into the wall.
No, of course that wasn't what he wanted. Not really. He just...He really wished the pain would go away. That he could turn back time.
But even if he could, he asked himself, would he be able to save her?
The thought brought tears to his eyes, and he covered them with his hand.
Oh the pain. That terrible pain in his chest that just wouldn't go away. He hadn't slept yet. Everytime he tried he saw her pale face. Her dead face. He had never felt anything as bad, as when he felt her slip away. Disappear into the force.
Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder, squeezing, trying to offer comfort. He wanted to turn around, but wasn't sure he had the strenght to face whoever it was. His hands held onto the window edge tightly, as if he was afraid to let go. Afraid to disappear into the black hole of dispair that threatened to swallow him.
"Luke"
With all the strenght he had in him, he slowly turned around, looking into Hans worried eyes. He wanted to say something, to tell him he couldn't do this. That he couldn't leave this window. That he had to hold onto -something- or he'd disappear. He wanted to tell Han how much he hurt.
But suddenly, as he looked into Han's eyes, he realized he didn't have to. He didn't have to say anything. Han knew, he understood what it was like to lose someone you love.
And right there and then, as he saw that deep understanding in Han's eyes, Luke let go. Later he wasn't sure how long he wept while Han held him. He was pretty sure it was for a long time. They just stood there, as friends bond together by something terrible, and Luke wept till he had no more tears to shed. He wept until the pain in his chest had faded. It was still there, but he could live with it.
---------
His eyes filled with tears, Luke could do nothing, but stare blindly at the woman a meter or two in front of him. Her dark brown her was tied in a braid. He could hardly see it through the tears though. Actually, he felt certain he could only see it, because he had overheard her asking Jaina to braid it for her, because she was trembling too much to make her fingers work.
He knew he was supposed to listen to the words coming out of her mouth. That they were written for him to find even the smallest bit of comfort. But it was so hard. Harder than he had thought it possible.
He concentrated. Hard, but still he was only able to make out a few words from time to time:
”An extraordinary woman...gave herself for something she believed in....fought to the last...will be missed”
Someone took his hand, and he looked to the side, not fully able to make out, who was sitting next to him. The person next to him let go of his hand, and suddenly, as he looked up at Leia – for she was the woman in front of him – he realized it was his turn to speak.
Slowly...as if time stood completely still around him, he got up. He passed the big hologram of Mara on the way to the middel of the room, and nearly went to the floor. He felt his knees trembling, and again he asked himself, why he had done this. Leia had kindly asked him, if he was sure he wanted to say something – if he felt sure he was up to it. He knew she would have understood, but somehow...he had felt he had to say something. Anything.
Finally he was there, in the middel of the speeking circel on the floor, and he cleared his throat, as he tried to focus on the people in front of him. There were so many, but he really could not make out their faces. He knew there were Jedi and non Jedi there. Friends and comrades. All the people whom he loved and cared about. They were all here. To show Mara the last honour. He felt tears running down his cheeks, and he lifted his gaze towards the ceiling, trying to gain control of his emotions. But even repeating the Jedi Code did not help. Did not take away his pain and suffering. Oh how he hurt inside.
He cleared his throat again, and this time his gaze fell upon Karrde, whose stoneface failed to hide the fact that he was also in pain.
He closed his eyes for a moment, before he slowly, and very quietly started talking.
“Mara is....was...” He paused, taking a few deep breaths before continuing “I love her with all my heart...she...she is gone, but I will always...always remember her, and”
He closed his eyes, again feeling his knees tremble.
“I will never f...forget her”
He looked around in the room, suddenly feeling panic creeping up on him. What was he doing? How could he do this? She was gone, and he was standing here..talking? He looked at Leia, but she did not return his gaze. She was holding on tightly to Han’s hand, her mouth a thin line and her face very pale.
He looked at the crowd again.
“She was extraordinary. Once...she wanted to kill me....now...she has...at least...a part of me...”
He bit his lower lip, looking down at his feet.
“I have so much to say, but so little strenght to do so...” He hid his face with his right hand, holding back the sobbing.
“May the force be with you..always...”
He quickly walked down to the benches again, feeling someone placing an arm around his shoulders, holding him close.
Leia rose again, but it sounded like her voice was coming from some place far away.
“Let us all go outside, to place the stone outside, next to our other falling Jedi”
Luke felt someone helping him to his feet, but he did not remember seeing or hearing anymore of the ceremoni. Everything was just blackness
-----
Luke stood at the window, glancing down at the world below him, holding the sleeping Baby Ben in his arms. The pain was still there, even now, weeks after the love of his life had passed away. It would probably always be there. In fact, he expected it to be there in many, many years to come. With a faint smile he looked down at Bens peaceful face, and knew now that he didn't want him to go away. Ever. He closed his hand around the chubby baby hand and smiled. Ben would have Mara's eyes. He was sure of it.
Years later, Luke slowly went down the Jedi memorial lane. 5-year-old Ben was running ahead, laughing as only a child could laugh. Luke forced a smile to his face. Ben knew nothing of the pain Luke had felt in the first days after he was born, and to him, this was just another fun trip with Daddy. Luke's gaze fell on the stones around him.
"Ganner Rhysode - may the force be with you"
"Anakin Solo - may the force be with you"
And there it was. He stopped and had to swallow, as tears came to his eyes. It was hard to believe that even after all these years, standing here in front of this stone, could still hurt this much.
"Mara Jade Skywalker - may the force be with you"
Standing here it felt like yesterday. Luke swallowed again, maybe it was a bad idea coming here.
Suddenly a hand tugged his sleeve.
"Is this Mummy's stone?"
Luke blinked, quickly pulling himself back together.
"Yes Ben, this is Mummy's stone" He kneeled in front of it and pulled Ben to him.
Ben picked a little flower from the grass and placed it in front of the stone.
Luke closed his eyes with a pained smile, a tear running down his cheek.
"Do you miss Mummy?"
With a nod, Luke opened his eyes to look at Ben.
"Every Day Ben, every day"
Original Work
Ja, her kommer så endnu en historie, som jeg ved Bloody vil elske mig for at lægge ud her
Den er stadig ikke rettet igennem, for jeg er, desværre, ufatteligt doven, når det kommer til rettearbejde...Luke stood at the window, glancing down at the world below him. In the other room he could hear a baby cry.
Not just a Baby, he corrected himself. My son.
It -was- in fact his son, Ben who was crying in the other room, but he couldn't pull himself together to go to him. To go to that other room to pick him up and cuddle him in his arms. He knew he should do that. He knew that was what he needed to do in order to bond with him. To establish that father son bond that would be so important in the years to come. He knew that if he kept letting Leia and Han take care of him, they would soon become strangers.
Leia had taken him the night before too. And the night before that too. Well, since Mara had… Actually, he couldn't even remember if he'd held him in his arms yet. No...he must have done that. He had to. Didn't he? Didn't he hold for a few seconds? Just a few?
Luke closed his eyes. He couldn't remember. He didn't want to remember. He wasn't even sure he wanted Ben anymore. Maybe he just wanted him to go away?
He slammed his fist into the wall.
No, of course that wasn't what he wanted. Not really. He just...He really wished the pain would go away. That he could turn back time.
But even if he could, he asked himself, would he be able to save her?
The thought brought tears to his eyes, and he covered them with his hand.
Oh the pain. That terrible pain in his chest that just wouldn't go away. He hadn't slept yet. Everytime he tried he saw her pale face. Her dead face. He had never felt anything as bad, as when he felt her slip away. Disappear into the force.
Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder, squeezing, trying to offer comfort. He wanted to turn around, but wasn't sure he had the strenght to face whoever it was. His hands held onto the window edge tightly, as if he was afraid to let go. Afraid to disappear into the black hole of dispair that threatened to swallow him.
"Luke"
With all the strenght he had in him, he slowly turned around, looking into Hans worried eyes. He wanted to say something, to tell him he couldn't do this. That he couldn't leave this window. That he had to hold onto -something- or he'd disappear. He wanted to tell Han how much he hurt.
But suddenly, as he looked into Han's eyes, he realized he didn't have to. He didn't have to say anything. Han knew, he understood what it was like to lose someone you love.
And right there and then, as he saw that deep understanding in Han's eyes, Luke let go. Later he wasn't sure how long he wept while Han held him. He was pretty sure it was for a long time. They just stood there, as friends bond together by something terrible, and Luke wept till he had no more tears to shed. He wept until the pain in his chest had faded. It was still there, but he could live with it.
---------
His eyes filled with tears, Luke could do nothing, but stare blindly at the woman a meter or two in front of him. Her dark brown her was tied in a braid. He could hardly see it through the tears though. Actually, he felt certain he could only see it, because he had overheard her asking Jaina to braid it for her, because she was trembling too much to make her fingers work.
He knew he was supposed to listen to the words coming out of her mouth. That they were written for him to find even the smallest bit of comfort. But it was so hard. Harder than he had thought it possible.
He concentrated. Hard, but still he was only able to make out a few words from time to time:
”An extraordinary woman...gave herself for something she believed in....fought to the last...will be missed”
Someone took his hand, and he looked to the side, not fully able to make out, who was sitting next to him. The person next to him let go of his hand, and suddenly, as he looked up at Leia – for she was the woman in front of him – he realized it was his turn to speak.
Slowly...as if time stood completely still around him, he got up. He passed the big hologram of Mara on the way to the middel of the room, and nearly went to the floor. He felt his knees trembling, and again he asked himself, why he had done this. Leia had kindly asked him, if he was sure he wanted to say something – if he felt sure he was up to it. He knew she would have understood, but somehow...he had felt he had to say something. Anything.
Finally he was there, in the middel of the speeking circel on the floor, and he cleared his throat, as he tried to focus on the people in front of him. There were so many, but he really could not make out their faces. He knew there were Jedi and non Jedi there. Friends and comrades. All the people whom he loved and cared about. They were all here. To show Mara the last honour. He felt tears running down his cheeks, and he lifted his gaze towards the ceiling, trying to gain control of his emotions. But even repeating the Jedi Code did not help. Did not take away his pain and suffering. Oh how he hurt inside.
He cleared his throat again, and this time his gaze fell upon Karrde, whose stoneface failed to hide the fact that he was also in pain.
He closed his eyes for a moment, before he slowly, and very quietly started talking.
“Mara is....was...” He paused, taking a few deep breaths before continuing “I love her with all my heart...she...she is gone, but I will always...always remember her, and”
He closed his eyes, again feeling his knees tremble.
“I will never f...forget her”
He looked around in the room, suddenly feeling panic creeping up on him. What was he doing? How could he do this? She was gone, and he was standing here..talking? He looked at Leia, but she did not return his gaze. She was holding on tightly to Han’s hand, her mouth a thin line and her face very pale.
He looked at the crowd again.
“She was extraordinary. Once...she wanted to kill me....now...she has...at least...a part of me...”
He bit his lower lip, looking down at his feet.
“I have so much to say, but so little strenght to do so...” He hid his face with his right hand, holding back the sobbing.
“May the force be with you..always...”
He quickly walked down to the benches again, feeling someone placing an arm around his shoulders, holding him close.
Leia rose again, but it sounded like her voice was coming from some place far away.
“Let us all go outside, to place the stone outside, next to our other falling Jedi”
Luke felt someone helping him to his feet, but he did not remember seeing or hearing anymore of the ceremoni. Everything was just blackness
-----
Luke stood at the window, glancing down at the world below him, holding the sleeping Baby Ben in his arms. The pain was still there, even now, weeks after the love of his life had passed away. It would probably always be there. In fact, he expected it to be there in many, many years to come. With a faint smile he looked down at Bens peaceful face, and knew now that he didn't want him to go away. Ever. He closed his hand around the chubby baby hand and smiled. Ben would have Mara's eyes. He was sure of it.
Years later, Luke slowly went down the Jedi memorial lane. 5-year-old Ben was running ahead, laughing as only a child could laugh. Luke forced a smile to his face. Ben knew nothing of the pain Luke had felt in the first days after he was born, and to him, this was just another fun trip with Daddy. Luke's gaze fell on the stones around him.
"Ganner Rhysode - may the force be with you"
"Anakin Solo - may the force be with you"
And there it was. He stopped and had to swallow, as tears came to his eyes. It was hard to believe that even after all these years, standing here in front of this stone, could still hurt this much.
"Mara Jade Skywalker - may the force be with you"
Standing here it felt like yesterday. Luke swallowed again, maybe it was a bad idea coming here.
Suddenly a hand tugged his sleeve.
"Is this Mummy's stone?"
Luke blinked, quickly pulling himself back together.
"Yes Ben, this is Mummy's stone" He kneeled in front of it and pulled Ben to him.
Ben picked a little flower from the grass and placed it in front of the stone.
Luke closed his eyes with a pained smile, a tear running down his cheek.
"Do you miss Mummy?"
With a nod, Luke opened his eyes to look at Ben.
"Every Day Ben, every day"
